April 28th - the day before I leave for St. George, Utah
When Jon and I first made the decision for me to go to Lifestyle Fitness Camp, I didn't want to tell anyone. Well, I knew there would be people I would have to tell - like my family and my co-workers. They might notice me being gone for a month. I didn't want to tell anyone out of fear and humiliation.
I know that most of you have seen my weight go up and down, up and down, and up and up for my whole adult life. (No, that was not a typo.) You've seen me work hard at this diet or that, lose 20 or even 50 pounds and then gradually gain it all back - plus some. If I'm honest, I have to say it's the most humiliating thing about my life. And anyone who knows me really well, know that this isn't an issue that just sprung up for me in the past few years. It didn't happen when I had children, or went through a stressful divorce - for me, it started long, long ago. Somewhere in my early years, or possibly my genes, or a combination of the two, it was determined that this would be my "issue." This is what I've always accepted, until most recently.
It has bothered me forever that I do this to myself. I succeed for awhile, only to self-destruct later. It has bothered me, but I accepted that it was just "my issue." It was not until I saw my own daughter struggling daily with the same "issues" that I felt the greater need to truly OVERCOME this battle once and for all. For some reason, we have the ability to tolerate within our own lives things that we would NEVER want for our children. Why is that?
Anyway, it was decided that something drastic must be done. Last year, McCartney and I did the HCG diet together. Well, mostly. I lost 20 pounds and she lost 12 pounds, and then I had Dallas market and my 40th birthday and we went on a cruise, and one thing after another, until we basically never finished the diet, we just let it go. This year I thought - it has to be bigger than a diet. It has to be a TRUE lifestyle change. And truthfully, that terrifies me! It sounds too big. That's why I didn't want to tell anyone. I am afraid that it IS too big, and I will only fail again. That's the fear and humiliation speaking up.
This is drastic. I will be away for a whole month - four weeks! I will be working out several hours a day and eating ONLY what's on the plan. No cheat days. I will be away from my children for 28 days! In their entire lives, the longest we've ever been apart was 9 days last summer when I had a show in Ft. Lauderdale. I will be away from my husband for 4 weeks! That is a LOOOONNNNNNGGGGG TIME - for so many reasons!! It's also a huge investment. As you can imagine, things like this aren't cheap. My loving husband says, "I'm worth it." And there it is - my epiphony.
For ages I have associated this feeling of "you're worth it" with splurging, doing something extravagant, spending too much money, eating a big piece of chocolate cake, drinking a cosmo or margarita, cheating on my diet, etc. I think - "i've done really well today," or "I've had a really stressful day," or "I accomplished some great task," or whatever - but they all lead to "go ahead, you deserve it!" It's a great feeling - treating yourself. Jon is the most generous person I have ever met, and it is in his nature to splurge on the people he loves. This was a new thing to me when we started dating and it made me feel so loved and cared for. He would take me to expensive restaurants, buy me expensive shoes that I would never buy for myself, take me on awesome trips, etc. So, like I said, I associate "being worth it" with splurging. But, the question is - why is splurging associated with doing something unhealthy? Why do I associate it with the big piece of chocolate cake or the high sugar drink? Why don't I ever say to myself: "Go ahead, have the grilled salmon salad. You deserve it!." or "Go ahead, take the extra hour to workout this morning. You're worth it!." Lightbulb! There have been other areas of self-awareness, other lightbulb moments, but I think one epiphony is enough to cover today!
So, why am I not only letting people know about my trip, but also BLOGGING bout it???? (I don't know - it still seems crazy to me!) It's because I am taking a giant step of faith! I am not going to be controlled by fear and humiliation anymore. God says that we are overcomers in Christ. I am going to walk by faith in His promises this month. Writing about it and sharing it with others makes it more real and holds me accountable. If you are wondering what my goals are, how much do I want to lose, etc. - well, I'm not doing that this time. I have goals in mind, but I am trying to go into this journey for the sake of my health, my family's health and with an open mind to experience what God wants for me - victory. Of course I am praying for drastic results, but as my counselor said, "work the plan with no attachment to the outcome." There is great wisdom in that. I found a verse this morning that captures it for me. The parentheses are what it means to me. Psalm 37:34 "Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along His path. (work the plan) He WILL honor you, giving you the land (my goal). You will see the wicked destroyed (the things inside me that need to not be there)."
That's all for today! In 24 hours, my flight will be landing. I can't wait to blog about the rest of the journey!
